ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
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It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
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Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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