WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
