Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
