How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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