i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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