i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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