You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
