Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
