made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
