Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
