You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
