if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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