2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
