Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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