I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
