i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
