I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
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I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
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He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize