just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
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