No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
