I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
