if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
