I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
