last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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