just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
