I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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