my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
