i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
