Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Let's paint friendship bongs
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
