so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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