I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
