seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
