my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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