so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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