She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
