My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
