did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
