Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
