saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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