my phone needs a breathalizer
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
