I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
