Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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