Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
