I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
