I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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