went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Randomize
