stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
