fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
