Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
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