in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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