I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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