why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
