He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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