Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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