i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize