70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
