i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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