I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
