Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
