there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
