If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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